She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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