we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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