drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I just want nice things and good sex
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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