I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
