Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
YAS. BRING CRAB.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
