booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
