i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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