she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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