I murdered the dance floor call the cops
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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