I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Send help, water and tortillas.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
