i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
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