Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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