Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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