Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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