im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
