I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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