So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Randomize
