I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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