Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
