very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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