The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
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