You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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