yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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