Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
