Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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