im having a threesome with these popsicles
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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