So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
