We named our party play list daddy issues
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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