i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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