I'm so fucking centered right now
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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