Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Randomize
