I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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