My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
