The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
