If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
