Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
