Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
