i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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