i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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