Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
No I am not eating basil off your cock
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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