Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
