no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
