I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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