My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
