But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
as a side note pls kill me
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
