im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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