I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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