Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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