My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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