Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
