you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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