My cat gives me a boner
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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