I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
