I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
