just come out here and I will go home with you...
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
