I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
