Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
