Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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