He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
