Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
