Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
