he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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