Yo dont text me then not text me
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize