I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
