i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
